By Michael Harriot
Derived from the song of the same name by Eminem, a “Stan” is any overzealous maniacal fan who is obsessive about a celebrity, team or thing.
- Urban Dictionary
Today we explore the divisive topic of Stan-dom. Everyone has a favorite artist, team or person, but we all know some people who take it too far. I’m not talking the dudes who like Tupac so much that they will fight the DJ if he plays Biggie, or people who are rabid fans of a college they never attended. While perplexing to me, it doesn’t cross the line. What defines a Stan is how much they bother you with it, and how much it bleeds into their real life. Today, NegusWhoRead presents the worse kinds of superfans–the top 10 Stans of all time. We will list all 10 but explore the top 5 in depth.
10. The Pussy Stan – There’s that one girl who is always talking about how her pussy feels like sunshine and squirts angel tears. It’s aight.
9. Hoteps – Hoteps love Africa. Anything wrong in the universe was cool when we were in Africa. When we were in Africa we loved each other. When we were in Africa we valued family. When we were in Africa our underarms didn’t smell like hoghead cheese.
8. Jordanaires – If you listen to some people, Michael Jordan scored 84 points a game, never had a bad game and only participated in team drills and Bible Study.
7. Single Strong Independent Women – “I’m single because men are intimidated by strong women and I need a man who’s about his paper, because I bring so much to the table and he has to love my kids and be educated and have his own car, his own house, his own job, but I’m happy like this… no, I’m not crying! Something’s in my eye!”
6. “This Dick” Dude – All men believe they’re slinging dick so good that women become mesmerized by their pipe-laying ability, and they have no trouble telling you about it… until they run into their side-chick’s side dude. Ouch.
5. The Beyhive – The Beyhive is the gold standard in the world of Stans. Queen Bey’s crazed fanbase places her somewhere between Buddha and Jehovah, so you shouldn’t slip up and say anything bad about her Highness. Trust me, you’d rather stick your penis in a hollowed out tree knot filled with yellowjackets, razor blades and mosquitos infected with the Zika virus than piss off a Beyonce Stan. The Beyhive has attacked everyone from Kid Rock To Beck for uttering a fraction of her name. Bey’s Stans were inaccurately written off as teenage girls who swarmed celebrities’ instagram accounts in retaliation, until the Great Stan Incident of 2009–when Kanye West was possessed by the the Beyonce Holy Ghost (AKA the “Knowles-y Ghost,” ) and grabbed the microphone from Taylor Swift at the MTV Music Awards.
4. Phone Stans – I will admit that I have an internal prejudice that I can’t rid myself of. If I receive a text message, and a green bubble pops up–signaling the person on the other end is not an iPhone user, I think less of them. Not in a “you’re-the-scum-of-the-earth, I’m-better-than-you” type of way. It’s more of a high school, “I’m-a-senior-and-you’re-a-freshman” type of way. I know it doesn’t make sense but people are like that about their phones.
Phone Stans are worse.
If you sit with a person who loves Android phones, in 5 minutes you will know all of the things their phones can do that an iPhone can’t. iPhone adherants love their phone as more than a communication device–it’s an accessory. I know all of this because I am an iPhone Stan. I love my phone. A couple of years ago I left my phone in a Washington D.C. cab while trying to give a cab driver directions to what may or may not have been a strip club. The next day the people at the AT&T store tried to sell me a much cheaper Android Phone. I just stared at them like they were at my mother’s funeral trying to sell me a new mama. I may or may not have cried in a fetal position going through iPhone withdrawals all night until I got a new phone. I’m not sure. I’m a real journalist, so I can’t confirm that. I’ll have to check my sources.
Notice I haven’t mentioned Windows phones. If you use a Windows phone I actually do look down on you.
*Don’t worry. I’m pretty sure people with Windows phones can’t read this without restarting their phones and logging into internet explorer.
3. Jesus Freaks – I am not anti-Christian or anti-religion. In fact, some of my best friends are Christian. I have had Christians in my home, and a nice Christian family lives next door to me. There is, however, a difference between Christians and Jesus freaks. There are 3 kinds of Jesus freaks:
- Door Knockers – Anyone who wakes up early on a Saturday morning to save souls in neighborhoods they don’t know has all my respect, and that includes Mormons, Jehovah Witnesses and Little League football coaches. Here’s my only problem with the people who knock on doors to deliver the “good news:”Don’t you think everyone has heard about Jesus by now?
- The Inviters – We have all worked with someone who invites us to their church every other day, or have that one-semi-friend who keeps trying to get you to get you to that religious conference next Saturday. I have found a way to avoid all of that. If a Black friend asks you to go to church with them, inform them that you are a Scientologist, and try (halfheartedly) to recruit them by telling them the story of the Evil Lord Xenu. If they’re white, it’s easy. When my next-door neighbor asked me if I’d come to Easter Service with her family, I politely informed her that I believe in the Black Jesus. If the Jesus at her church didn’t have dreadlocks, I couldn’t go.She doesn’t ask me any more.
- The Born Again – Everyone has that one friend who found Jesus and won’t stop talking about it. Any time you bring up a topic, they twist it into a religious statement by hollering “But God” or “for Jesus” at the end of sentences:
Her: No I can’t go to the party. I have church. I could have been dead and in my grave, BUT GOD!!!!
Me: Weren’t you just “dropping it low” at the club last week?
Her: Yes, but now I’m dropping it low FOR JESUSSS!
2. The Atheists – I’mma go ahead and put all non-religious people in this category. I couldn’t tell you which of my friends are Baptist, Presbyterian or A.M.E, but your atheist friends will always let you know how stupid you are for believing in God. It’s the first through tenth commandment of atheism. Even worse than non-believers are the ones who believe in a “higher power.” Even worse than those are the ones who believe that you’ve been boondoggled into believing in a White Jesus because Christianity was given to you by your slavemasters to keep you in line. If you remind them that the Apostle Mark headed a church in Africa 1500 years before slavery came to America, they will only respond “but still…” Even worse than those people are the ones who are newly “woke” and don’t know what to believe. They only know they should be condemning you.
Even worse than those people are the number one Stans of all time:
1. Vegans – Vegans are the Gods of Stans. Even though I am a second-string vegan (I only eat animals that don’t eat meat), a vegan is worse than an iPhone user who only listens to Beyonce and just got saved. If you don’t know if you have any vegan friend–you don’t, because 6 minutes and 12 seconds is the world record for the longest time a vegan has gone without mentioning their veganism. You could win the silver medal in gymnastics after getting your PhD in subatomic nuclear genetics while being awarded the Nobel Peace Prize, and a vegan will somehow steer the conversation to how disciplined they are because they don’t eat meat. If you want to know the answer to everything in life, talk to a Vegan, because veganism cures everything. High blood pressure. Gout. Heart Disease. Acne. Erectile dysfunction. Cancer. Your football team losing. The situation in the Middle East. In fact, if white people discontinued consuming animal flesh we could cure racism.
The only downside to not eating meat is that vegans can’t give oral sex.
I think that’s how it works.
I’ll check my sources.