I’m sure you heard it last night: “Why is there a Black man all over this The Force Awakens preview? He doesn’t have a perm, and he’s not even holding a can of Colt 45!”
Amid the hullabaloo over the release of the trailer for the seventh installment of the Star Wars franchise came cries from white supremacist groups complaining about white genocide, and the idea Hollywood’s fantasy future is becoming too diverse. We’ve seen this before. Movie buffs recall that the original role of Neo, the protagonist in the incredible Matrix trilogy, was originally slated to be played by Will Smith, and the internet was filled with conspiracy theories when the Wachowski brothers’ script populated the post-apocalypse survival city of Zion with nothing but with brown people and even made God Black in the movie.
Are white people doomed in the future? Will the survival of the science-fictionalized planet rest on the shoulders of Black heroes? Is this just a trend in science fiction, or part of a researched reality?
Well, white people, I’m sorry to inform you: You are all doomed. You will be, at best, a minority in the fantasy future. Here is why:
- The numbers aren’t in your favor – Y’all know the earth is populated mostly with brown people, right? When the Death Star explodes, or the machines rise against us, or the aliens come to kill us, who do you think is going to take the biggest hit? The Gluten-free, SPF 1,098 sunscreen-wearing hipsters huddled in artisanal gentrified Brooklyn grilled cheese sandwich shops, or the central Africans whose children have been digging your engagement diamonds out of caves and handling semi-automatic weaponry as child soldiers for years?
Most of the European countries will have long-stopped multiplying as their sperm counts become casualties of tight, European-cut slacks and skinny jeans. We’ve all seen the Youtube videos of the times when fights break out in Parliament. With the way those tightwad, wigwearers punch, if aliens ever land on that continent and demand to be “taken to your leader” — the Visitors won’t even need ray guns to subdue those pansies.We all know Asia will be fucked because they have been over there fucking around building people-like robots for the past 30 years. It’s only a matter of time before Skynet or a Russian virus gets ahold of one of those artificially intelligent humanoid machines and turns it into the T-1000. Have the Japanese even seen Terminator? I know what you’re thinking: “But the Asians know Karate.” First of all, that’s racist. Secondly, flying roundhouse kicks don’t work against shape-shifting assassin robots made of liquid metal.
- Zombies don’t like dark meat – Despite what you’ve seen in the Walking Dead, there is absolutely no chance that Black people will fall victim en masse to the zombie apocalypse. First of all, the prevailing evidence presented by basic cable TV shows and old-school monster movies shows one thing: The undead move too slow. Have you ever seen how fast black people move when they see a squirrel or someone is “busting guns” at the club? There’s no chance a slow-stalking flesh-eater even gets close. Plus, because of the cocaine epidemic that swept Black communities in the 80’s and 90’s, we have acquired vast zombie experience. Dealing with crackheads directly translates to zombie combat. We know how you guys are from watching horror flicks – when caucasians encounter something scary, they walk towards it to investigate.
Then they fall and twist their ankle when it’s time to run.There’s also the fact that when white people encounter the living dead with scalps missing, uncombed or matted down, for some strange reason, y’all will have to touch their hair.That’s how you get got.
- We know who the warriors are – Even though America is majority white, our armed forces are disproportionately Black and Brown. When Darth Vader shows up in his all black cloak and Asthma-pump helmet, you are going to need some real warriors. Trust me, the savior of the planet will be a cross-bred combination of Andersen Silva, Floyd Mayweather and Neil Degrasse Tyson, and they will be using some futuristic weapon developed by Ahmed Muhammad, who will remember what y’all said about his clock. His plasma-infused laser device will be limited to people of color because some fraternity boys at Cal State will just use it to heat up their liquid fusion bongs, or the number one excuse on police reports in future minority neighborhoods will be “he reached for my light saber.” Furthermore, if the New World Order Congress doesn’t enact comprehensive handheld nuclear-powered vaporizer weapon control, disgruntled young white males will have winnowed down the population anyway.
- Selective Breeding – When science perfects the ability to selectively choose eye color, body shape, height and sizes through genetic testing, we will be reduced to variations of Beyonce-cloned beige babies. By the time the earth is invaded by aliens, Earth may be filled with big-booty, full-lipped people of color. Everyone will swipe right on Tinder, and the shades in Mac makeup line will only range from North Kardashian-West caramel to the yet-to-be-named Harriot-Nyong’o baby cocoa.
There you have it. Once Hans Solo dies, that will be it for white science fiction characters. There’ll be occasional CGI-created Taylor-Swift-like caucasian cameos who will go the way of Jar-Jar Binks, but nothing substantial or memorable. I’ve even heard rumors circulating that the 14th Star Wars movie will be directed by Tyler Perry and will feature Madea and the Holy Ghost facing off against Luke Skywalker and “The Force” but you’ll have to wait and see. Until then, just know your favorite space hero will be dark-skinned, and they knew it all along.
Why do you think Luke Skywalker wears a hoodie?