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Dear Wypipo: Easter Is Not For You

My Dearest Caucasian Brethren;

I humbly submit to you, that you need to stop celebrating Easter.

I do not make this judgment based on hate or prejudice, nor am I saying it because he is colored. I have come to this conclusion based simply on the principals you trumpet and the standards you uphold. While I know this might sound hyperbolic, allow me to explain.

Let’s start with his parents. I’m sure you know that Mary had an affair. Sure, it was with the Holy Ghost, but any woman who would betray the sanctity of her marriage needs to be condemned. That’s what’s wrong with this world today, lack of family values. I’ve heard how you guys talk about these “loose” women who go around getting pregnant from men they have never even seen before, with names hip hop like “The Almighty”  and the Prince of Peace and then let the father walk out of their lives. It’s obvious she couldn’t afford to have children, because, aside from some swaddling clothing, she couldn’t even afford to dress little Jesus. I don’t even know what “swaddling” means, but it doesn’t sound good! I bet you won’t find any swaddling onesies at Osh Kosh. I know, because I’ve checked.

Not to mention the fact that Mary and Joseph were from Nazareth, but had Jesus in Bethlehem, and I know you guys feel about immigrants. They come to a country, have babies, and pay no taxes. I’ve read all of your anti-immigrant literature, so if the child you call your “lord and savior” was born today, I know what you would’ve called him if it was 2017.

Yes, Jesus was an “anchor baby.”

I bet you guys would’ve called immigration on Joseph and Mary and had them deported, wouldn’t you? Then Jesus would’ve had to grow up in the welfare system, using taxpayer money to pay for his upbringing. And just what was Jesus doing during all those years between age 13 and 33? I’m sure you would’ve wanted to see his papers, to make sure he wasn’t a criminal or anything. When he went to the temple and knew more than the religious scholars, I’m sure you guys would have said he only had that knowledge because of affirmative action., and got a liberal education.

That’s why, according to you guys, he was such a socialist. When he had that free fish fry and fed the multitude, you would have said “he probably used food stamps.” I understand how it would have turned your stomachs when he healed the sick, because you’ve made it abundantly clear how you guys feel about free health care. I know, I know, Even when he walked on water, you would’ve dismissed it by saying “you know those people can’t swim

According to y’all, he was a thug! To you, any group of men of color is a “gang” so I’m sure you missed the verses about how he joined the Disciples, and had wild, drunken parties where he turned water into wine. He hung around with prostitutes and people with leprosy, so he ran with a bad crowd. Wouldn’t y’all have called the police on the Lamb of God when chased the moneylenders out of the temple?

When he went around spreading the gospel to the masses instead of getting a real job, pulling himself up by his bootstraps and becoming a productive member of society, if it was 2017, you probably would have put him on your watch list–especially after that peaceful rally we now call the “Sermon on the Mount.”

I bet you would’ve called Judas an “upstanding citizen concerned about his community,” and luckily the Roman soldiers didn’t kill him for “resisting” when they came to get him and Peter cut the ear off of one of the cops. You guys would have shot Jesus right then, before he could heal that soldier’s ear, and explained it away by saying the soldier “feared for his life.”

But there is a singular reason I think you guys shouldn’t celebrate Easter, and it is this:

When they nailed him to the cross, and he died for the sins of the entire world, and rose three days later, when he was resurrected, and they rolled back the stone from his tomb and noticed the body was gone, and someone shouted “he is risen…”

According to everything you believe, none of this should be important. By your philosophy, we shouldn’t elebrate Jesus, life and death without honoring the two thieves who died alongside him. Why was his death more important? Why was Jesus more significant? Shouldn’t all three men who died on the cross be treated equally? Aren’t they all truly messiahs? Why does it matter how or why Jesus died?

I guess what I’m trying to say is:

I thought “All Lives Matter?”

About the author

Michael Harriot is a renowned spoken word poet, the host of The Black One podcast and the editor-in-chief of NegusWhoRead. He is perpetually just getting warmed up because he has no chill. He is on Instagram and twitter as @michaelharriot

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